I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize