Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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