so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
