i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
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