Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
