My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
