dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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