grandma shit on top of the toilet
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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