the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do vagina's smell?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
