a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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