You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
