; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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