I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
