you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Can't talk, ducks in the car
its liver damage thursday
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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