Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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