The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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