life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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