Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we're chasing vodka with high fives
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
