The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
