I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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