Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
