The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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