Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
