My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
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I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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