Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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