hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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