I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
