Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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