guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
