There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
