Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
