you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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