I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
