all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
