he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
