The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
