Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
