I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
