Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
