I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
