i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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