I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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