Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
