I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
