Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
