I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
