i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
