Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
