You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
