I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
