i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
