Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
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Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
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All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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