my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Found your dick twin last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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