i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
